Why Setting Boundaries Isn't Selfish (And How to Start)
If you struggle with setting boundaries, you've probably heard advice like "just say no" or "put yourself first." While well-intentioned, this advice often misses why boundary-setting feels so difficult for so many people.
Setting boundaries isn't just about learning to say no – it's about fundamentally shifting how you think about your needs, your relationships, and what it means to be a good person. For many, the very idea of setting boundaries brings up feelings of guilt, selfishness, or fear of disappointing others.
Let's explore why boundaries are actually an act of love – both for yourself and others – and how to start building them in a way that feels authentic and sustainable.
What Boundaries Actually Are
Boundaries aren't walls that keep people out – they're guidelines that help relationships function in healthy ways. Think of them like the lines on a road. They don't prevent cars from driving; they help traffic flow safely and efficiently.
Boundaries communicate:
What you're comfortable with and what you're not
How you want to be treated
What you need to feel respected and safe
Where your responsibility ends and others' begins
They're not about controlling other people – they're about taking responsibility for your own experience and well-being.
Why Boundaries Feel Selfish (But Aren't)
Cultural Messaging Many of us grew up with messages that prioritizing others' needs over our own is virtuous, especially women who are often socialized to be caregivers and people-pleasers. We're taught that "good" people sacrifice for others and that thinking about our own needs is selfish.
Fear of Rejection Setting boundaries can trigger deep fears about being abandoned or rejected. If we believe that our worth comes from what we do for others, boundaries can feel like we're risking our most important relationships.
Guilt and Responsibility Many people struggle with an overinflated sense of responsibility for others' emotions and reactions. When someone is disappointed by a boundary, it can feel like you've caused them harm.
Past Experiences If you grew up in a household where boundaries weren't respected, or where love felt conditional on your behavior, setting boundaries as an adult can feel foreign and dangerous.
The Hidden Costs of Poor Boundaries
When we consistently prioritize others' needs over our own, several things happen:
Resentment Builds Saying yes when you mean no creates internal resentment that eventually affects your relationships. You might find yourself feeling angry at people for asking things of you, even though you never communicated your limits.
Authenticity Suffers When you're constantly adapting to what others want or need, you lose touch with your own preferences, feelings, and values. Relationships become based on a version of you that isn't entirely real.
Energy Gets Depleted Without boundaries, you might find yourself constantly giving with little coming back in return. This leads to burnout, exhaustion, and potentially physical health problems.
Others Don't Learn Important Skills When you consistently rescue others from natural consequences or take on responsibilities that aren't yours, you prevent them from developing resilience and problem-solving abilities.
Boundaries as an Act of Love
Here's a reframe that might help: boundaries are actually one of the most loving things you can do for your relationships.
For Yourself: Boundaries allow you to show up as your authentic self rather than a depleted, resentful version. They help you maintain the energy and emotional resources needed to genuinely care for others.
For Others: Clear boundaries help people know what to expect from you and how to interact with you in ways that work for everyone. They prevent misunderstandings and reduce conflict.
For Relationships: Boundaries create safety and trust. When people know where you stand, they can make informed choices about their own behavior. This leads to more honest, respectful connections.
Types of Boundaries
Physical Boundaries: Your comfort with touch, personal space, and physical interactions
Emotional Boundaries: What emotional information you share and receive, and how you handle others' emotions
Time Boundaries: How you spend your time and energy
Digital Boundaries: Your availability via phone, email, and social media
Financial Boundaries: How you handle money in relationships
Sexual Boundaries: Your comfort levels with sexual activity and intimacy
Starting Small: Boundary-Setting Strategies
Begin with Low-Stakes Situations Start practicing boundaries in situations that feel less emotionally charged. This might mean declining a social invitation you're not excited about rather than immediately addressing major family dynamics.
Use "I" Statements Instead of "You're being unreasonable," try "I'm not comfortable with that" or "That doesn't work for me." This keeps the focus on your experience rather than making judgments about others.
Offer Alternatives When Possible "I can't help you move this weekend, but I could help you pack boxes on Thursday evening" or "I'm not available to talk right now, but I could call you tomorrow morning."
Practice the Broken Record Technique When someone pushes back against your boundary, calmly repeat your position without elaborate explanations. "I understand you're disappointed, but that doesn't work for me."
Give Yourself Permission to Start Over If you've had poor boundaries with someone for a long time, it's okay to acknowledge this and communicate that you're working on being clearer about your limits.
Common Boundary-Setting Challenges
Guilt: Remember that feeling guilty doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Guilt often accompanies growth and change, especially when you're breaking patterns that no longer serve you.
Others' Reactions: People who have benefited from your lack of boundaries might not respond well initially. This is normal and often temporary as relationships adjust to new dynamics.
Consistency: Boundaries need to be maintained consistently to be effective. If you set a boundary but don't maintain it, people learn that pushing back will work.
Over-explaining: You don't need to justify your boundaries with elaborate explanations. "That doesn't work for me" is a complete sentence.
Boundaries in Different Relationships
With Family: Start small and be prepared for pushback. Family systems often resist change, even positive change.
At Work: Focus on professional language and reasonable expectations. "I'll respond to emails during business hours" rather than being available 24/7.
With Friends: True friends will respect your boundaries, even if they need time to adjust to new patterns.
In Romantic Relationships: Boundaries actually increase intimacy by creating safety for both partners to be authentic.
What Healthy Boundaries Look Like
You can say no without excessive guilt
You don't feel responsible for managing others' emotions
You can ask for what you need
You feel comfortable being yourself in relationships
You have energy for the things that matter to you
Your relationships feel reciprocal and balanced
You can handle disappointment from others without immediately changing your boundary
When Boundaries Are Especially Important
When you notice resentment building in relationships
During major life transitions or stress
When dealing with people who have addiction or mental health issues
In situations where you feel taken advantage of
When your physical or emotional well-being is affected
Remember: It's a Practice
Setting boundaries is a skill that develops over time. You don't have to become a boundary-setting expert overnight. Start small, be patient with yourself, and remember that every time you honor your own needs and limits, you're modeling healthy behavior for others and creating space for more authentic relationships.
The people who truly care about you want you to take care of yourself. They might need time to adjust to changes, but healthy relationships can absolutely accommodate and even thrive with clear, loving boundaries.
If you're struggling to set boundaries or dealing with relationships that don't respect your limits, therapy can provide support and strategies tailored to your specific situation.
About Irene Maropakis, LCAT
Licensed Creative Arts Therapist, EMDR Trained, Somatic Parts Work
I specialize in helping creative professionals and highly sensitive leaders transform their greatest sensitivity into their most powerful professional and personal assets. Through the integration of art therapy, EMDR, and somatic work, I guide creatives from overwhelm to empowerment, from surviving their sensitivity to thriving because of it.
