Setting Boundaries: A Somatic Guide for People-Pleasers and Highly Sensitive People
Your Body Knew You Needed Boundaries Before Your Brain Did
That tightness in your chest when you say "yes" but mean "no."
The heaviness in your stomach when someone asks for one more favor.
The exhaustion that sleep doesn't fix because you've been giving from an empty cup for months—maybe years.
Your body has been trying to tell you: you need boundaries.
But if you're a people-pleaser, a highly sensitive person (HSP), someone healing from trauma, or raised in a family where your needs didn't matter—setting boundaries feels impossible. Scary. Selfish. Wrong.
Research shows that individuals who regularly enforced boundaries were significantly less likely to experience burnout, and those who struggled to set boundaries were more likely to report symptoms of anxiety and depression.
As a somatic art therapist who works with people-pleasers and highly sensitive folks, I want to help you understand boundaries differently—not as walls that make you "mean," but as the foundation that lets you actually show up for the people and things you care about.
And I want to show you how to set them in a way that honors your body, not just your brain.
What Boundaries Actually Are (And Aren't)
Let's start with what boundaries are NOT:
❌ Boundaries are not selfish. They're self-preserving.
❌ Boundaries are not mean. They're honest.
❌ Boundaries are not walls that keep people out. They're the container that lets authentic connection happen.
❌ Boundaries are not something you need to apologize for. They're your right as a human being.
So what ARE boundaries?
Boundaries refer to the limits we set to protect our emotional, mental, and physical space. These limits are personal and can vary from one person to another. They include decisions about how much time we spend with others, how much emotional energy we invest in relationships, and what behaviors we will or will not tolerate.
Think of boundaries like the walls of a house. Without walls, you have no structure—everything just bleeds together, and there's no protection from the elements. But WITH walls, you have rooms with different purposes, doors you can open or close, windows that let light in while keeping storms out.
Boundaries create:
Clarity about what you will and won't accept
Protection for your time, energy, and emotional wellbeing
Space for your needs to matter as much as others' needs
Safety in relationships
The ability to show up authentically instead of performatively
Why Setting Boundaries Is So Hard (Especially for People-Pleasers)
If boundaries are so important, why is it so hard to set them?
The Research: People-Pleasing as a Survival Strategy
According to psychologist Lauren Appio, Ph.D., "people pleasing is a survival strategy, and it becomes so well-practiced that setting limits can be frightening and seem impossible."
People-pleasing behavior often stems from childhood experiences where love or approval was conditional. If caregivers only validated you when you were obedient, accommodating, or high-achieving, you may have learned that your worth depends on meeting others' expectations.
Maybe you grew up in a household where:
Conflict felt dangerous, so you kept the peace
You had a parent who struggled, and you became their emotional support
You were rewarded for being the one who didn't "cause trouble"
Your needs were dismissed or minimized
Love felt conditional on your performance or compliance
When your safety or connection depended on being agreeable, helpful, or invisible—boundaries felt like a threat to your survival.
The People-Pleaser's Core Fears
You struggle to set boundaries because you fear:
1. Rejection or Abandonment
"If I say no, they'll leave. They'll decide I'm not worth it. They'll find someone else who's easier."
Research indicates that fear of rejection is a very real and widespread concern that drives people-pleasing behavior.
2. Conflict
"If I set a boundary, there will be anger, tension, or confrontation—and I can't handle that."
People-pleasers often grew up where conflict meant danger, so your nervous system reads boundary-setting as activating a threat response.
3. Being Seen as Selfish or Mean
"Good people don't say no. Caring people sacrifice. If I prioritize my needs, I'm a bad person."
This belief is often deeply ingrained, making boundary-setting feel morally wrong.
4. Losing Your Identity
As psychotherapist Jes Tucker notes, people pleasers may think, "who am I if I'm not doing what other people want me to do?" If you pride yourself on being "generous," "dependable," and "someone people can always count on," saying no and setting boundaries can feel threatening to your very identity.
5. Disappointing Others
"They'll be hurt. They're counting on me. I'll let them down."
You've learned to manage others' emotions at the expense of your own.
The Cost of Not Having Boundaries (What the Research Shows)
When we don't establish boundaries, we might find ourselves feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or drained. The research is clear about the mental health impacts:
Burnout
Setting clear limits prevents overextension. A 2022 study in Psychological Health found that individuals who regularly enforced boundaries were significantly less likely to experience burnout.
Harvard-trained psychologist Debbie Sorensen notes that people pleasers are at significantly higher risk for workplace burnout due to their difficulty setting boundaries and saying no to additional responsibilities.
Anxiety and Depression
A study published in Clinical Psychology Review in 2021 found that people who struggled to set boundaries were more likely to report symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Constantly being pulled in different directions—whether through excessive demands at work or pressure from personal relationships—creates anxiety that compounds over time.
Emotional Dysregulation
According to a 2020 article in Psychiatry Research, people who maintained healthy emotional boundaries were better equipped to regulate their feelings and respond more calmly in stressful situations. This means those without boundaries are more reactive and less resilient.
Relationship Dysfunction
Without boundaries, relationships suffer. Research in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples who communicated and respected each other's boundaries experienced higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships.
People-pleasing can show up in romantic relationships, especially with partners who are more self-focused. Your needs take a backseat, and you may even reinforce the idea that the relationship revolves around their wants.
Physical Health
People-pleasing doesn't just affect your mind—it affects your body. Physical effects can include:
Chronic tension and pain
Digestive issues
Sleep disruption
Weakened immune system
Elevated stress hormones (cortisol)
Your body pays the price when you ignore your boundaries.
Understanding Boundaries Through Your Nervous System
This is where somatic work becomes essential. Boundaries aren't just cognitive decisions—they're nervous system responses.
What Happens in Your Body When Boundaries Are Violated
When someone crosses your boundary (or when you abandon your own boundary to please someone), your nervous system registers it as a threat:
Sympathetic activation (fight/flight):
Heart races
Stomach knots
Jaw clenches
Shoulders tense
You feel agitated, urgent, anxious
But you override it. You say yes anyway. You smile. You accommodate.
What happens next:
Your nervous system, having been ignored, either:
Escalates the signal (more anxiety, physical symptoms, panic)
Gives up and shuts down (numbness, dissociation, depression)
Over time, this creates chronic dysregulation. Your body stops trusting that you'll listen to its signals, so the signals get louder or disappear entirely.
What Healthy Boundaries Feel Like in Your Body
When you SET and MAINTAIN a boundary, your nervous system responds with:
A sense of relief (exhale, shoulders drop)
Groundedness (feet on floor, solid)
Spaciousness (chest opens, breathing deepens)
Calm clarity (nervous system settles)
This is your body saying: "Thank you. We're safe now."
Somatic Practices for Setting Boundaries
Before you can set effective boundaries, you need to reconnect with your body's signals. Here are somatic practices to help:
Practice 1: Body-Based Boundary Detection
How to do it:
Think of a recent time you said "yes" but wished you'd said "no"
Close your eyes and remember that moment
Notice what happens in your body:
Where do you feel tension?
Where does your breath change?
What sensations arise?
Now imagine yourself saying "no" in that situation
Notice what happens in your body:
Does tension release?
Do you feel lighter or heavier?
What's the body's response?
Why this works: You're training yourself to recognize your body's "no" signal BEFORE the moment happens, so you can honor it in real-time.
Practice 2: The Grounding "No"
When you need to say no but feel anxious about it:
Plant your feet firmly on the ground
Feel the earth supporting you (take 30 seconds)
Take three deep breaths (longer exhale than inhale)
Say "no" out loud while feeling your feet (even if alone, practicing)
Notice: does your body feel more solid or more shaky?
Why this works: Grounding activates your ventral vagal system (safety response), making boundary-setting feel less threatening to your nervous system.
Practice 3: The Body Scan for Resentment
Resentment is your body's way of saying "my boundaries have been violated."
Sit quietly and scan your body from feet to head
Notice where you feel:
Heaviness
Tightness
Numbness
Heat or anger
Ask that sensation: "What boundary did I ignore?"
Listen to what comes up
Why this works: Your body holds the truth about where you've been abandoning yourself. Resentment is the roadmap to the boundaries you need.
Practice 4: Bilateral Stimulation for Boundary Anxiety
If you're anxious about setting a boundary:
Cross your arms over your chest (butterfly hug position)
Alternately tap your shoulders (left, right, left, right)
Continue for 2-3 minutes while breathing
Imagine setting the boundary while tapping
Why this works: This technique from EMDR therapy helps regulate your nervous system, reducing the activation around boundary-setting.
How to Actually Set Boundaries (Step-by-Step)
Step 1: Identify Your Boundary
Ask yourself:
What am I tolerating that depletes me?
Where am I saying "yes" but feeling "no"?
What behaviors from others drain my energy?
What do I need more/less of?
Write it down. Be specific.
Step 2: Connect to Your "Why"
Boundaries stick when they're connected to your values, not just discomfort.
Ask:
What matters to me that this boundary protects?
What becomes possible when I honor this limit?
Who am I serving by maintaining this boundary? (Hint: yourself counts)
Step 3: Get Clear on Your Boundary Statement
Practice saying it simply and clearly:
Weak boundary: "I'm sorry, I just feel like maybe I need a little space sometimes, if that's okay?"
Clear boundary: "I need Sunday mornings to myself. I won't be available for plans before noon."
Remember: "No" is a complete sentence. You don't owe lengthy explanations.
Step 4: Communicate the Boundary
Choose your method:
In person (if safe and preferred)
Text or email (if you need time to compose yourself)
With a trusted support person present (if you anticipate difficulty)
Say it once, clearly, and stop talking. Don't over-explain or apologize.
Step 5: Expect Pushback (and Hold Firm)
Here's the hard truth: if you've never had boundaries before, people will push back.
They're used to you saying yes. They're used to your flexibility. Your boundary inconveniences them.
Common pushback:
"You're being so selfish lately"
"What's wrong with you?"
"You never used to be like this"
Guilt-tripping, sulking, or anger
Your job: Hold the boundary anyway.
Say: "I understand you're disappointed, but this is what works for me."
Then stop engaging. Repeat as needed.
Step 6: Notice Your Body's Response
After you set the boundary, check in:
How does your body feel?
Is there relief? Guilt? Both?
Where do you notice sensation?
If guilt arises: That's normal. It doesn't mean you did something wrong. It means you're changing a pattern. Your body is adjusting.
If relief arises: That's your nervous system saying "yes, this is right."
Boundaries for Different Types of People-Pleasers
If You're a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP):
Your boundaries need to account for sensory and emotional overload:
"I need to leave events by 9pm"
"I can't do phone calls after 8pm"
"I need 24 hours' notice for plans"
"I need quiet time alone to recharge"
Your sensitivity is valid. Protect it.
If You're Healing from Trauma:
Your boundaries might include:
"I don't discuss my trauma unless I bring it up"
"I need advance notice before physical touch"
"I can't be around [specific trigger] right now"
Your healing takes priority.
If You're Codependent:
Your boundaries focus on emotional autonomy:
"I can listen, but I can't fix this for you"
"I need space to feel my own feelings"
"I'm not responsible for managing your emotions"
You're allowed to detach with love.
If You're a Caregiver:
Your boundaries preserve your capacity:
"I can help on Tuesdays and Thursdays only"
"I need one weekend per month completely off"
"I can't be on-call 24/7"
You can't pour from an empty cup.
Art Therapy Practice: Visualizing Your Boundaries
What you'll need:
Paper
Markers or colored pencils
20 minutes
The practice:
Draw yourself in the center (a simple figure, symbol, or shape—doesn't need to be realistic)
Around you, draw your boundary—this could be:
A circle
A fence
A force field
Walls with doors and windows
Anything that feels protective but not isolating
Label what's INSIDE your boundary (what you're protecting):
Your time
Your energy
Your peace
Your needs
Your creativity
Label what's OUTSIDE your boundary (what you're keeping at a healthy distance):
Others' expectations
Guilt
People-pleasing patterns
Drama you don't need to carry
Add doors or windows where appropriate:
Where do you let people in?
What's flexible?
What's non-negotiable?
Hang this somewhere you'll see it. Let it remind your nervous system: boundaries aren't walls—they're the structure that lets you be yourself.
Boundary Scripts for Common Situations
At Work:
"I can't take on additional projects right now. I'm at capacity."
"I don't check email after 6pm. I'll respond tomorrow."
"That's outside my job description. Let's discuss with [manager]."
With Family:
"I love you, but I need you to stop commenting on [topic]."
"I won't be attending [event]. I need time to rest."
"I'm not discussing this with you. Let's change the subject."
With Friends:
"I can't make it. I need a quiet night at home."
"I care about you, but I can't be your therapist. Have you considered seeing someone?"
"I need a break from venting sessions. Can we do something fun instead?"
With Partners:
"I need alone time to recharge. It's not about you."
"I can't handle [behavior]. If it continues, I need to reconsider this relationship."
"I'm not responsible for managing your feelings about my boundaries."
When to Seek Therapy for Boundary Issues
Consider working with a therapist if:
You literally cannot say "no" even when you desperately want to
Setting boundaries triggers panic attacks or severe anxiety
You're in a relationship where your boundaries are consistently violated
You have trauma history that makes boundary-setting feel unsafe
You're experiencing burnout, depression, or chronic resentment
You don't know what your needs even are (you've been ignoring them so long)
Therapeutic approaches that help:
Somatic therapy: Works with your body's boundary responses
IFS (Internal Family Systems): Works with the parts of you that people-please vs. the parts that need boundaries
EMDR: Processes trauma that created the people-pleasing pattern
Art therapy: Gives form to boundaries and helps you visualize healthy limits
CBT: Challenges beliefs about boundaries being selfish
You're Not Selfish—You're Finally Listening to Yourself
Every boundary you set is an act of self-respect.
Every "no" you say is a "yes" to yourself.
Every limit you establish is protection for your peace, your energy, your humanity.
You don't need permission to have needs. You don't need to earn the right to boundaries. You don't need to apologize for taking up space.
Your body has been trying to tell you what it needs. It's time to listen.
If you're in New York State and need support setting boundaries, book a free 15-minute consultation. I offer virtual somatic art therapy that helps people-pleasers, HSPs, and codependents reconnect with their needs and build boundaries that actually stick.
You deserve relationships where your needs matter. You deserve to stop abandoning yourself. You deserve boundaries.
Let's build them together. 🌿
Read next:
Sources
Harrison, J., & Thompson, R. (2022). Burnout prevention through boundary enforcement. Psychological Health.
Johnson, M., et al. (2021). Boundary difficulties and mental health outcomes. Clinical Psychology Review.
Lucas, P., & Stone, R. (2020). Emotional boundaries and affect regulation. Psychiatry Research.
Smith, K., & Davis, L. (2023). Marital satisfaction and boundary communication. Journal of Marriage and Family.
Appio, L. (n.d.). People pleasing as survival strategy. Psychology in Practice.
Tucker, J. (2019). People pleasing and identity. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/lib/a-pep-talk-for-people-pleasers-for-setting-boundaries
Beattie, M. (1986). Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden Publishing.
GoodTherapy. (2025). 5 common signs of people pleasing behavior and how to reclaim yourself. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/cost-people-pleasing-behavior-reclaim/
Mental Health Center. (2025). Boundaries and mental health. https://www.mentalhealthctr.com/boundaries-and-mental-health/
